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Tuesday, July 3, 2018

Life Update + Where I've Been | Random Rambles

If you are here for only beauty products/reviews/subscriptions, I promise I won't be mad if you click away from here. This is going to be solely about what's been going on with this blog and me and why I haven't been a regular poster for almost two years now. I'm typically a very secretive person but as I'm trying to make my reemergence and come back to blogging full-time, I figured an explanation would be necessary.

Let's first bring this back to September 2016. My husband took a new position for a short-term move to Poland for work. While I have always struggled/lived with the depression/dysthymic side of Bipolar Disorder, this sent me into a tailspin. I wasn't sure how to live in this house in a county other than where I'm from for so long by myself. He came back in December of the same year but the underlying issue was still there. 

The next year, I was off and on with mania and dysthymia. I so desperately wanted to do better with my blogging but also couldn't get out of my own head of not doing well or not being good enough. Then, husband's job sent him back at the end of May for what could have been up to two years. Hello, inability to take care of myself. (I want to take this time to say this isn't husband's fault. I was part of the decision-making process for him going and I did consider moving with him but I couldn't put off blogging for that long and I didn't want to leave Trumpet.)

It was honestly the fear of flying and going to another continent for three weeks that drove me to go back to a doctor. I had initially gone just to get back on an anxiety medication I had been on years ago to get me through the flights (it was my first time ever flying and I was BY MYSELF) and the initial change of going there and coming back. Instead, I found the best doctor ever that has spent extra time learning about mental illness and mental health and hello, first diagnosis of Bipolar (I had been labeled as ODD or manic-depressive as a teen and young adult but never accepted it or had anyone say the word 'bipolar' when it related to me. 

This doctor diagnosed me in minutes and immediately started working with me on what medicine combination would be best, not just for the travel time but for the long-term. I did have one moment of struggling when I was in Poland, but only my first night when I was overwhelmed by not being able to read/communicate with the people there. The medicine combination wasn't right for me but it was right enough for me to get through that time. 

Numbers have gone up and down, anxiety and depression have won some days/weeks, but it's a process to get things right. Add in that we got a new puppy which has made it impossible to be in my office/swatch/photograph for more than a few hours a day AND it's just a change that I'm still working through. I love him and he's adorable and I'm figuring out our new normal with him and Trumpet. 

Bring it to today. I accepted that medicine isn't enough (even though I'm still working with my doctor to get things right) and I went to the first psychologist I've gone to (willingly) two weeks ago. Medicine is definitely necessary for me to thrive, but I need someone to help me work through some other issues and just have someone to talk to. Asking for help isn't failing, it's winning. 

So where am I today? Actually, I've been working through a ton of swatches for some recent collections that I desperately need to edit and post. I've also been reswatching a few polishes for a brand's restock where my old swatches weren't up to my standards. I'm hoping that by the end of this week/beginning of next week, I'll start getting posts up on a regular basis again and actively working once more.


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